Hilary Silver is a clinical psychotherapist who operated a busy and successful private practice for 14 years. In 2017, she discovered coaching and decided to close her practice and launch online coaching, wellness, and empowerment company for women.
Hilary Silver now spends her time mentoring women which gives her the ability to witness and support their life-changing transformations.
In this interview, Hilary Silver reviews the 3 major blind spots women ignore that are sabotaging their chances for love.
What makes you an authority on love and relationship issues?
I don’t just have a six-week coach training certification. I’m highly trained in all kinds of modalities, from neurofeedback, neuroscience, and brain retraining, to cognitive-emotional intelligence, narrative therapies, and mindset. I really do consider myself a relationship and mindset expert.
How do you define a blind spot?
The way that I define blind spot (or BS) is when you think that something you’re doing is good, or fine, or even neutral, and so you’ll keep doing it when it’s actually really not good. We all have blind spots; sometimes we can’t see the tip of our own nose. Maybe your blind spot is with men. I have blind spots in my own life. Even though I’m an expert at so many of these things, I will always have a coach and a mentor because I can’t see what I can’t see for myself. Or if I see it, I still want that person to take me to the next level and help me see what I can’t see.
What is the biggest and most common dating blind spot that your clients suffer from?
It’s what I call ambivalence. If you’re dating, wanting to have love, wanting to find your person, but you have ambivalence while you’re out there doing this, that’s a big blind spot.
Ambivalence comes from when you have two opposing feelings at the same time. Some people call that cognitive dissonance, but to me a common term is just ambivalent. When you want something and you don’t at the same time. Intellectually, you want this, you’re telling yourself that you want this, the world tells you that you should want this, and so you’re out there dating. But at the same time, you’re holding the same weight of emotion. You want it, but you don’t, because of certain reasons, like that you’re scared; you don’t know what you’re doing so you’re afraid you’re going to mess it up, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of rejection, afraid of being judged, or afraid of letting someone close.
Maybe you have fear of engulfment, of losing yourself in a relationship. If your past experience has meant that you’ve been in relationships with controlling men or men who are possessive, or you just lose yourself in relationships because you acquiesce a lot because you’re afraid of conflict, why would you want to get into a relationship if that’s what it means to you or for you?
How can you work past ambivalence?
What if your biggest fear is success? What if you actually are successful and you get to have this relationship that you’ve said that you want? Now what? That’s when it really gets scary because you don’t know what you’re doing. You think it will end and iit will disappoint you. Intimacy is scary. You have to let someone in.
It’s all fear-based, and not trusting yourself to have this and handle it. That’s what we help women with in the Ready for Love program.
What’s another common blind spot for women who are dating unsuccessfully?
Another blind spot is going to be focusing on the wrong thing. Dating isn’t working for you. You’re getting stuck and struggling, but what you’re doing is you’re focusing on all the wrong things, like which app you should be on, your dating profile, your dating profile pictures, that you live in a small town and there are no good guys in your small town. You may be worried about how you look now that you’ve gained 5 or 20 pounds, or that you’re getting wrinkles, or that you need a boob job or any number of things.
You’re focusing on all the wrong things and not addressing the real reasons why it’s not happening for you, and that will keep you stuck. Yes, it’s easier to think that you just need to lose 20 pounds, but love is for everyone. I’ve seen plenty of really obese women have great relationships with somebody who loves them. The truth bomb here is that if you keep dating the same way that you’ve been dating, it doesn’t matter if you find the right guy. It won’t work because of something that you’re doing that’s really the problem.
But as long as you stay focused on a problem that seems easier to solve, you’re going to stay stuck. Yes, it’s easier to stay focused on getting a little filler, a little Botox, or just darkening your hair, or going shopping, or getting on a different app, or getting a matchmaker. All of those things are superficial. You’re going to waste time if that’s what you keep trying to fix. Those things don’t matter.
What is the third blind spot that you’ve pinpointed?
The third blind spot is ignoring patterns. If you are out there dating and the same thing keeps happening to you again and again and you’re not paying attention to it, then nothing’s going to change.
There’s something you’re doing or not doing, that you’re saying or not saying, that’s getting in the way. Not being willing to look at the real thing that is you or something that’s going on with you is a problem; it’s a blind spot.
If it’s happened to you more than one time, it’s a problem and it’s not just a numbers game. Ignoring the pattern and thinking I just need one more date, or at some point, I’ll just find the right guy and it’ll all magically be better, you’re fooling yourself. You’re lying to yourself and it’s a big blind spot.
Do you call blind spots ‘BS’ for a reason?
When I’m talking about BS, I mean your own bullshit and your blind spots. Your own bullshit is your idea that “I don’t have what it takes, I’m unlovable, I don’t deserve it, I’m broken, something’s wrong with me, everyone else can have love but not me. I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough.” Or “I’m too much. I’m too successful, I’m too outspoken, I’m too whatever.” That’s your own bullshit.
The bullshit that you’re carrying around with you is bullshit that you’ve had since you were little. That stuff starts when you’re little and it’s likely been there all this time, keeping you stuck from getting what you want. Maybe in other areas of your life too, maybe not. For some women, it is holding them back from living their fullest potential, taking big risks, starting a business, moving, or doing something crazy that they’ve always wanted to do.
How do you help women see their blind spots and move past them?
I want all women to finally get past their own bullshit love and value themselves, accept themselves unconditionally, treat themselves the way they deserve to be treated, and then trust themselves to get this right and to know how to do it, and that they can have it. That’s really what we do in the Ready for Love program.
What I want you to know is that at 42, 52, 62 – if you haven’t been able to fix these lifelong issues on your own, you’re not going to. I couldn’t do it for myself and even still today knowing what I know, I still want somebody who’s outside of my life and I trust, to point out to me what I can’t see for myself. Or if I do see it, I want them to challenge me to do better or to do things differently. Or maybe you just need a partner to collaborate with and help you be your best self always. That’s what I provide to you, whether it’s the DIY or the VIP version of Ready for Love. We’re here for you and we love you. We want you to succeed, we want you to be happy, and we want you to get the love that you deserve.
It starts with you being willing to get past these blind spots and look in the mirror and break through your own bullshit. I’ve got mine and you’ve got yours. We’ve all got it, and there’s no shame in that, but let’s just let go of it. I can show you how to do that.